Out from Behind

Last year I got a Handycam for Christmas. I'd wanted one for years but found it's almost odd to actually own one, as you then are expected to film everything, which means a lack of actual participation. As someone who loves to experience things that's tough to swallow for a lot of events.

I got a couple of really cool tripods off eBay, though, and that helps. Both are prosumer tripods, one is heavy and super-sturdy and the other is tiny and light for travel. They open up whole worlds of possibilities, but the funny thing is I mostly seem to be getting use out of the whole video getup around my home.

Since I recently started playing music again after a long hiatus, and am taking the guitar much more seriously than I used to, I have taken to recording a lot of my practicing. It's incredibly helpful in so many ways.

However, I am realizing that I have a fear of cameras that goes deeper than I previously thought. Actually, I knew I used to have a fear of cameras but thought I had gotten rid of it when I last had professional pictures taken. That shoot was a revelation, I had so much fun and got quite relaxed, which of course meant the pictures were so good! Those were still pictures, though (on actual film, no less), and stills haven't bothered me since, so maybe it's just a fear of video cameras now.

I plug away, setting aside part of an afternoon every so often and letting the camera capture whatever I'm working on. It IS making me feel better about the camera just being there but it definitely makes it harder to play music. It's quite distracting. For one thing, there's the factor of not knowing where to look, it's kind of creepy to look right in the lens but it seems like I'm shady or something when I look elsewhere.

Which brings me to the further creepiness of watching the products of all this effort. I'm actually writing this post as one of my songs plays on the PS3 and it's possible that the reason I started it was for an excuse to look away. Defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Well, at least my creativity is flowing in a lot of ways and I'm not letting my fears knock me back down. Baby steps, baby steps. Hopefully this will carry on through the nightmare of trying to play out again. There is no audience as scary to me than that stupid little lens!